Jokers Thread

[ambush]

HOW TO MAKE LOVE:

Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

;D

Superman (galupad): "hmmm.....kapoia aning sigi rag adtus taas uy..makahorny man sad ning kabugnaw diri.."

(lingi lingi sa ubos tan aw ug chicks sa ateneo kai wednesday washday man..)

Superman: "astang hubagahh...naunsa naman ning mga atenista ron nga pirti namang pag hubag!"

(lingi sa may likod sa Jesuit house dapit sa Holy Child)

Superman: "uy!!! unsa man nihh..si Darna gahubu man tanan nga naghayang..ug intawun pirti mang hangad hangad nga siya ra isa.."

"hehe, ayus nih kai gapiyung..ako ning dayban (dive) ug kalit gamit akong powers aron dili ko makit an sa kapaspas..."

WWHHOOSSSSHHHH.................GGGRRRRRGGGG!!!!!!!!!....WWWHOOOOSSSHHH!!!!

Superman: "ahhh..matayng lamia..wa jud siya kamatikud sa akong ka paspas..hehehe!!!"

Darna: "huh!? ki-kinsa man toh???"

Invisible Man: "Ambot..sakit man akong lubot.."

;D

Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

;D

Usa ka buäng ngkanta samtang na2lög s kama s mental hosptal.Human
sa
kanta,sya mikulob og
mikanta pg-usab.
Nurse: Nganong mikulob man ka?
Buang:Side B na gud ;D

HIDE AND SEEK
GF: honey dula hide and seek..
BF: pag makit-an tika unsa may premyo nako?
GF: magpajer2x ko nimo...
BF: unya kung dili tika makit-an?
GF: naa lang ko likod sa piano...!!!!

;D
Sexy: Doc init lagi ako lubot..?
Doctor: ali akng butangan ug thermometer...
Sexy: ay.. ulaw ko doc...
Doctor: sige i-off nako ang suga...
Sexy: ohh... Doc di na lubot..
Doctor: sige lang di man pud ni thermometer....hehe

;D

AHENTE: (toktok sa balay)
nisulod, g sabwag sa salog ang tae sa kabayo
AHENTE: Mrs. kung dili na malimpyo sa akong vacuum cleaner, kan-on nko na!
MRS: gyud na kay brown out raba!

;D

Maid nanglimpyo sa kwarto nakapunit og condom:
>> Ay!! unsa mani??
Maam: Wa diay sex sa probinsya day?
Maid: Naa man pero di pud hangtud mangaloslos ang panit!

nyahahaha...hehehe...

;D

[ambush]

2 Patients are taking sperm count.....
(d nurse masterbates P#1 but sucksP#2)
While the nurse is doing the blow.....
P#1: Ba't sa kanya e samantalang sakin handjob lang?
NURSE: CASH ito noh!.... sayo PHILHEALTH lang!!!

;D

GIRL: mag-69 tayo dear!!
BOY: pano un?
GIRL: ganito lang...
(pumuwesto na cla at biglang nautot ang girl ng 4 times)
BOY: Ayoko na!!! D KO NA KAYA UNG NATITIRA PANG 65!!!!
;D
ANAK: Dad! naka-experience na ko ng ! yahoo!!!!
DAD: wow! anak!...binata ka na!!!anong feeling?
ANAK: ang sakit po sa panga!!!!

;D
asawa: luv naay kawatan sa silong!!
bana: pasadae na!!
asawa: naoga ba!!
bana: amaw naay palang nay baril!!!!!
asawa: talawan kang banaha ka!! PUTI kag ITLOG!!
bana: kaw naog dd2 kay itom kag b^lat!!
;D
PANGUTANA:
kung mamatay ntang
tanan paingon ta sa Langit
kinsa una pasudLon?
LALAKI?
BABAE?
TOMBOY?
?


ANSWER:

, kay magdecorate pa bya na siLa..
;D

[gundamn]

Pati ba naman dito umabot yang mga jokes mo? Akala ko sa intranet lang natin yan ah.. hehehe

[ken-ken]

may lalaking umiihi sa pader at ilang sandali biglang kumidlat napasigaw ang lalaki at ang sabi naku!!!! po!!!!dios ko!!!wag po ninyong epadeveloped kasi hindi pa po ako tuli

[ambush]

Mga lasa ng gatas ng babae
1. Dalagita? Fresh milk
2. Dalaga? Pasteurized
3. Bagong Kasal? Skimmed
4. Matagal nang kasal? Yogurt
5. Matandang dalaga? Taho
6. Lola? Tokwa


After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians".

One week later, a Filipino newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 meters, Filipino scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using
wireless technology".....Smile bwa ha ha ha....

[neal]

1 nyt lola wear see tru dress, lolo didn't react, 2nd nyt lola wear t-bak and lolo still deadma, 3rd nyt lola all naked, lolo said "Ano ba yang suot mo, gusot gusot!?"...

[SANDMAN]

So ladies, please be guided accordingly...

The Guys' Rules

We Guys always hear
"the rules"
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us
to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer
you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!

=====================================




BALANCE

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?".

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.

I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant. I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a group of islands and said, "What are those?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the Philippines, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, mountains and forests. The people from the Philippines are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as carriers of peace and love."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in the government."

[ken-ken]

3 men holdup a bus and started collecting cash, jewelry& cellfones from the passengers..... a young lady was so worried that she cannot reached her destination without money... she pulled out her only P500 peso bill from her wallet and insert it at her pantys... the holdapers got her wallet and cellfone...then they fleed...... after reaching her destination...she went to jollibee to eat... at the counter she ordered burgers and pay with the P500 bill....the casheir told her that her P500 was a fake! she asked why?...... the cashier told her that ninoy is covering his nose at the P500 peso bill!........

[ken-ken]

Teenage girl: Kiss me, but marry me. Wife: No money, no honey. Mistress: With house, open blouse. Secretary: Forget your wife, always remember me! Kumare: Wala ang pare mo, pwede na tayo. GRO: No pay, no lay. Pokpok: Money down, panty down. Salesgirl: Buy me this dress, I give you happiness. Madre: Gusto ko sana, may pari bang kakasa? Biyuda: Matagal nang wala, ikaw ay pinagpala. Matandang dalaga: Noon pa sana, ngayon, paano na?

[neal]

hating gabi, hot c MRS... haplos nya ilong ni MR, kiliti nya sa leeg ska bulong malambing sa tenga "luv ala nako panty" sagot ni MR... "ha?" cge, 2LOG NA, BUKAS BILI KITA!...

[neal]

PARI & MUSLIM
PARI: way bkakay igsuon, nkatilaw nkag baboy?
MUSLIM: 00, lami kaaU na! kaw padre, nkatilaw nkag babaye?
PARI:sus! igsoon, lami pa sa baboy!

[korn]

bakit d binigyan ng pak pak ang mga cows?

[OniX]

bakit.....?

[korn]

hehehe imagine mo ung tae na mahuhulog sayo compare mo sa ibon hehehehe

[korn]

buti si dumbo nakaka glide lng heheh isa pa un....mas ano ung tae nun kesa sa cow...